I swear...I am going to slap the shit out of the next person to go on about the fucking swine flu. Seriously. The damned news is clamoring about how it is the end of the world and it is going to kill us all and quick...shun your neighbors if they look ill and if you hear someone sneeze, BURN THEM.

Guess what, you fear mongering pricks...IT'S THE FLU! That is right. Just another damn case of the flu. They happen all the damn time. All of this hysteria reporting to bump up the ratings is pathetic. Thousands upon thousands die every god-damned year from a wide variety of flu viruses. Yup! You heard me right. They die all the time! The very old, the very young, those who don't have adequate access to things like good healthcare or clean water or sanitary living conditions. It is almost as though they got sick or something and couldn't take care of themselves. Go figure.

Hundreds of thousands die every year due to the flu and its complications. This isn't likely to end any time soon. Yes, occassionaly there are worse strains that kill many more but it is still just the flu.

Everyone remember avian flu? If I am not mistaken everyone thought that one was going to bring about the apocalypse, too! Let me check...nope! Records indicate civilization is still intact (as much it could be said to be intact before the bird flu anyway). So let it go. Report that there may be a flu pandemic and what to do to keep yourself safe. That is all.

Thank you, everyone, for your happy birthday wishes yesterday. They made a very difficult time much easier and I cannot express my appreciation enough. But to be completely honest, I am a little disappointed that no one gave me the one thing I asked for. Still waiting for that bat to the head, people!

Looks like I might be making some progress here. No more crying or puking or anything. I still want to cry, but there is just nothing there. Occassionally a bit leaks but nothing like last week. Now I am just feeling that cold empty feeling all the time and all I want to do is sleep. A couple of decades should do it, I think. The real pisser is that I am having trouble falling asleep and am waking up earlier and earlier.

Oh...and did I mention that I proposed? Me...I actually asked her to marry me. And I was rejected. What the fuck was I thinking? She tells me that I am her best friend and she is still in love with me but she would still rather be with Rick than with me. Why on Earth would I even think that she would want to marry me when she has him? She said to me that if she had even the slightest doubt about him she would leave him for me. My fear is that she will be so afraid of us failing that even if a doubt exists she will not believe it. A bigger fool than I has never walked the face of the Earth. A friend recently commented to me that she is surprised by it all as is it not every girl's dream to fall in love with and spend her life with her best friend? I guess it isn't every girl's dream. I don't really see much point to continuing but even after all of this my feelings haven't changed in the slightest. I want to pull back and give her the space she wants but at the same time I want to spend as much time with her as I can since it is going to end eventually. And to make the even worse, she doesn't really seem to want to spend time with me anymore. My constant babbling it would appear is making her uncomfortable which means for the most part my company is no longer a good thing. Can't really say I blame her. To be honest, I really wish I could just un-say everything I have told her in the last month. One thing is for sure...I don't think I'll be talking to her about any of it any more. All it does is create stress. I'll just put my efforts into smiling when talking to her and see what happens.

And no...you don't need to tell me. I hope the me pity party ends soon too. But in the meantime, I have a birthday coming up. Anyone interested in getting me a gift, this is your year. Nice and cheap...just take a baseball bat to my head if you would be so kind. You don't even need to include a card.

Seriously...what kind of grown man sits in a bathroom stall at work crying as quietly as possible for twenty minutes? Other than me, that is, because that is what I did today. This is absolutely pathetic! And all because I had to break down and admit that I was in love with someone.

For the last several years I have been with a woman named Alison. The relationship was one of those hard to define sorts that started out when we were introduced a few months after each of us had exited another relationship. We very quickly became close friends and lovers. Over the following three years I tried very hard not to fall for her because, you know, I am a jackass. Unfortunately she expressed her love for me on several occassions and was heartbroken each time I did not return the feeling. She tried and tried to get me to love her but I just could not give in. As she has children, the thought of taking on that responsibility was terrifying and I couldn't let go.

Until a couple of months ago, that is. Her persistence and just overall wonderfulness (it's a word now, honest) finally got me to come out of my shell and express my absolute devotion to her. The feelings that had slowly been building over the years of our friendship became too much for me to resist and it occurred to me that not only could I not resist them but I didn't want to. When I was with her I was happy. Any time I was with her. The shitty part of it all is it took her having a new boyfriend with whom she says she is very much in love for me to realize the depth and breadth of my real feelings for her. I can honestly say I was truly looking forward to settling down with her and her three daughters. Unwilling or unable to walk away from this other man I am left broken. I have opened myself up in a way that has frankly never been seen before; I have torn down carefully constructed walls only to find noone waiting on the other side ready to accept the love I have worked so hard to hold back.

She has told me that she stopped loving me several months ago but with all of the time we spent together, I know in my heart that this is not the case. I cannot escape the feeling that after all of the effort that she put into getting me to turn that terrifying corner and love her, when someone else appeared ready to tell her what she wanted to hear she dropped me like a plague rat and quit on me. She gave up. I cannot say I can really blame her. I am an exhausting sort of person and the energy she expended on me must have been enormous. But even though part of me can understand why she did it, it does not make it hurt even a fraction less.

And I have not the slightest idea how to deal with it. I believe I have finally found someone with whom I can see myself being married and having a home and family and because of my own fear and foolishness it is taken from me before I even opened my eyes to realize it was there. I would sell my soul to win back her heart but it is no longer mine to sell. I have given it to Alison but she does not want it and I cannot take it back.

And the icing on the cake is that she means so much more to me than all this says. She is my closest and dearest friend and I cannot help but think this has ruined that. I have lost her in every imaginable way. Even though we will remain friends, of that I have no doubt, I fear that the closeness we once shared is gone forever. And all because of my unforgiveable idiocy.

What's a guy to do? All this one has managed to do so far is cry himself to sleep each night, falling asleep and awakening to thoughts of the love he has lost.